Saturday, February 14, 2009

Oscar Overcomes Intimacy Issues

by SHELL SHERREE

When Hugh Jackman starts talking about intimacy, I'm listening.

In an interview with the Associated Press about his upcoming hosting of the Academy Awards, he hinted that the Kodak Theatre would be less like a place to roll gold-foiled Jaffas down the aisles, and more like the nightclub of your dreams ... some place Intimate.

{Excuse me, that was the sound of my knees going weak ...}

It's one of the few clues to what lies ahead with the Oscars ceremony, shrouded in more mystery than Joaquin Phoenix's bizarre appearance on the Letterman show a few nights ago. Or the contents of his beard. {Personally, I wonder if he's been preparing for the sequel to his hit Johnny Cash biopic. I heard the working draft of the script is titled, "Snort the Line".}

Bill Condon and Laurence Mark are first time producers of the Academy Awards, perhaps credentialled for the gig by their 2006 movie, Dreamgirls. They are running with the 'curiosity' approach to luring viewer numbers. Perhaps they are onto something, in a world littered with reality TV shows and way too much cybersharing of breakfast and underwear choices.

Let's put the Miss back into mystique, I say.

Let us cast asunder the cheap and tarty name dropping of scheduled awards presenters {a thinly veiled attempt to increase ratings}. Rather may the upcoming ceremony be like a discreet lady allowing her skirt to rise slowly to reveal a hint of garter and stockings one glimpse at a time.

Condon and Mark are so intent on the secrecy, they have threatened that any presenters whose loose lips sink the Oscar Surprise Ship shall have their backstage passes torn up and even worse, their goodie bags confiscated. Clearly they mean business. Botox vouchers, mudwrap sessions and engraved iPods are not to be messed with lightly.

This much we know:

Baz Luhrmann is producing a number for Hugh.

With the Kodak Theatre's intimacy makeover, can we hope that Hugh will be lowered seductively from the ceiling on a trapeze to hover over the swooning crowd à la Moulin Rouge? Or will Baz create his own private homage to their snubbed 'Australia' by having Hugh tap dance to Singing in the Rain while stripped to the waist and tipping buckets of water continuously over himself? {Either is fine with me. Mighty fine. Damn, there go the knees again...}


Best Song Nominees will undergo speed dating.

Condon and Mark have blown the dust off the Academy's ceremony rule book and discovered that the Oscars must be wound up within three hours or on the last stroke, Tom Cruise's head will turn into a pumpkin. Dedicated to the cause, though perhaps shutting the gate after the horse has already bolted, the dynamic duo has decreed that all Best Song nominees will speed date in a medley. Each has 65 seconds to sing up their good points in hopes of going home with Oscar. Peter Gabriel has already put his foot down on moral grounds, refusing to be on stage while Wall-E's 'Down to Earth' goes through the compactor. Who can blame him?


There's an obligatory "we love you - now please use the trades' entrance" tribute to comedy.

Perhaps by way of apologising for comedians always being the bridesmaids at the Academy Awards, the tributary equivalent of a cheerful floral bouquet will be presented to comedy. {That's nice and all, but next time, throw NOMINATIONS instead.} Judd Apatow has been recruited to help. That's Judd with a J and Apatow with an "Eh?". No, I'm sure you've heard of him. He has a string of funnies under his belt and some rib tickling movies as well: The 40 Year Old Virgin, Talladega Nights, Step Brothers, Knocked Up ... An intriguing choice, but class and intimacy don't always go hand in hand.


Sadly, there are rumours that In Memoriam will rest in peace this year. That's a shame. It's a good test of whether wearing aluminium-based deodorants does in fact contribute to the early onset of Alzheimers. If I start wailing in shock as the montage rolls on, I'll know it's time to switch to something natural. I wonder what Joaquin uses ...

4 comments:

  1. I second your suggestion that Hugh should do a number shirtless and drenched! Heck, he can do it pants-less, too, if he'd like (with boxers on--I DO like a bit of mystique) though that might cause the FCC and many women all over the world to have a heart attack.

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  2. Definitely boxers, PCN! Do you know the expression Budgie Smugglers? Now there's a bit of Aussie lingo for you! No mystique hiding there whatsoever...

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  3. Yes, I do know the term budgiesmugglers! Leave it up to me to know all the important Aussie lingo. I first saw that term in an interview with Rupert Penry-Jones from MI-5, who says he only wears budgie smugglers. I believe there was also a photo of him illustrating what those tiny little things are. Sigh.

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Merci, grazie, thank you for joining our conversation lounge. Your smile lights up the room. Even more beautifully than our crystal chandelier. x

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